So welcome to my third post. Before you get too excited this post will not contain any mention of the brilliant pop icon Nicki Minaj. It’s not even spelled the same, so I’m not sure why you would think that at all. You seem to be a little too obsessed with this Nicki character, the authorities have been alerted and you are now on a watch list. It is for your own safety, so you’re welcome.
Just so you don’t get all stabby, here is a picture of Nicki Minaj kissing a 10 year old girl.
So now that we’ve cleared up what this post is NOT about, I should probably get back on track before you get bored and start googling pictures of whales mating. Seriously, stay here, you don’t want to see.. dammit, just lost most of you. For the ones that stayed, I plan on giving you some tips on how to carry on more than one conversation at a time. This is important, life changing stuff here, you’re going to want to stick around for this!
How to Talk to More Than One Person At A Time
The thing I hate most about social situations is the people. I would love social situations if it was just me and a bottle of scotch, or me Nicki Minaj and a bottle of scotch, but it never is, never. Social situations by definition have lots of people, all trying to carry on conversations, and all trying to drink your tasty scotch. It’s annoying as shit.
Look, they’re smiling! They must be enjoying themselves, or they are high on bath salts. Umm… run
If you are anything like me, you show up to these functions late, intoxicated and shirtless. Showing up late limits the amount of time you need to spend actually talking to people. Showing up drunk makes the conversation seem more interesting than it actually is. And showing up shirtless is nice, because nobody usually bothers the shirtless guy at a party. But regardless of how much you try to avoid it, at some point you are going to get sucked into a conversation. If it is one on one, it should be easy to come up with a valid excuse why you need to end the conversation and go drink by yourself in a corner. The difficulty really comes when you get sucked into a group conversation.
The worst is always the “Hey Ted, come over here and tell Jerry about that time a dog bit off your penis” requests. Usually at that point only an act of God, or a self inflicted stab wound will get you out of it. So all of a sudden you are having to recite a story to anyone within earshot. If it was just Jerry, no big deal, but as soon as people hear that someone is telling a story they stop what they are doing (because what they were doing was mind numbingly boring) and they start to listen to you.
Unless the party has a talking baby and / or Kirstie Alley, it is probably REALLY boring
Anyway, no problem, you can just quickly tell your story and then get out of there right?? Wrong! When you are done your story you are all of a sudden surrounded by people that stopped their previous conversations and now that you have entertained them, they are going to want to talk to you. The worst thing about telling a story is that people have to be quiet. Normal people don’t like being quiet. They spend most of your story time waiting for a small bit of silence so they can spew out some fascinating tidbit before they forget it, so they really didn’t hear anything you said. They were just smiling and nodding while giving themselves internal reminders to bring up the factoid about how many Americans own lawnmowers, because people need attention to live. Without attention they shrivel up and become directors. Just ask Fred Savage.
That dog won’t even sniff his crotch anymore.
So now people are actually talking to you, likely several people. You somehow have to fake an interest in what they are saying, because just telling them “sod off you boring piece of shit” will actually make them MORE hungry for attention. So you nod, you smile, hopefully you drink quickly. If you are lucky this is a party where you have to go get your own drinks from the bar. If there is someone bringing drinks around, or you have a friend that is asking every 4 seconds if you need a drink, it completely ruins the most respected excuse in the books, the “oops, looks like I’m empty, I need to leave this interaction and go over there where the booze is” excuse. You have to watch everyone’s drinks closely because you don’t want to end up with someone else needing a drink as well and going with you. That just completely ruins the getaway. Oh yeah, that reminds me, NEVER stand / sit anywhere near the alcohol. It is going to be high traffic territory, and if you are there already you can’t leave to go there. Going to get a drink is good, because there will be people around the bar, and it is plausible to think that maybe you got talking to someone else and that is why you aren’t rushing back to the conversation, instead of the actual truth that you locked yourself in the pantry and are eating some expired saltines.
Many people think “I have to pee” is a good out. But when you go to the washroom you are expected to come back, there shouldn’t be anyone to talk to in the washroom. So that only buys you a few minutes. It is not an escape plan. If you take more than the allotted time you will end up getting made fun of and possibly being accused of being a party pooper.
Pooping at parties is frowned upon.
Getting ridiculously drunk and hitting on your friend’s wives is another possible out, but it takes a certain swagger and self control that you probably don’t possess. I’m being nice by saying probably. I actually know you don’t possess it, but saying probably allowed for the possibility of doubt, it’s me trying to be a better person you see. So your only real option is booze, lots and lots of booze.
For those that don’t drink or are “on the wagon”, why are you at a party that is filled with booze, drugs and hookers anyway? Did you come by mistake? I am pretty sure you can just use the excuse that you have a “meeting” to get to and nobody will miss you. Drinking in front of a recovering alcoholic is like watching your sex tape with your parents. It just feels wrong, but everyone should probably at least try it once.
So now you are are armed with all you need to successfully tackle parties and other gatherings where alcohol is being served. For dry events I suggest not going. Cheers.
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