How to Write a Completely Scattered Blog Post in 4 Minutes

So I was informed from some of my readers that my last post was a little all over the place. To me, if my blog posts are scattered, non-congruent and full of nonsensical claims of grandeur, well I pretty much call that a successful post. In this week’s installment I will help show you how to achieve my epic levels of confused rambling.

 

1. Don’t Ever Plan

One of the keys to my style of writing is that I NEVER go into my posts with an actual idea of what I am going to write. Having a solid topic, layout, or even a vague sense of what you are doing will completely inhibit your ability to sound like you have no idea what you are doing.

 

The writers on lost pretty much perfected this.

 

2. Four Minute Time Limit

Giving yourself a reasonable amount of time to write a blog post will lead you to actually attempt to edit, spell check, rewrite, and polish your work. All this will ruin the artistic integrity and that is just bad for everyone involved. I write all my blog posts in around 4 minutes, or the time it takes me to heat up my hot pocket.

 

Not sure what this is, but it was one of the only workplace friendly images I could find when searching the term “hot pocket”

 

3. Distract Yourself

I always make sure I write my blog posts at work. This ensures I have phone calls coming in, employees asking questions, urgent emails to respond to etc. These distractions assist greatly in making sure I never successfully finish a train of thought, and help create my patented discontinuity that my readers have grown to love.

 

The crashing waves are just relentless!

 

4. Never Sleep

Well, obviously you have to sleep at some point or you will die, and then your blog would suck. But make sure you limit your sleep as much as possible. If you are having problems with this, I suggest having a kid or two. This will help give your blog posts that feeling of not being able to distinguish reality from fantasy, and not being able to clearly communicate a thought. Sleep deprivation is one of the key ingredients to literary pie.

 

Bake at 350 for approximately 45 minutes, until the crust achieves that “just before it’s burnt” color.

 

5. Ignore the Critics

There are always going to be people out there saying you suck. If you are lucky it will just be your parents, but chances are other people will be disappointed in you as well. These people are likely just wrong. Constructive criticism may work great when building houses, but writing is art. So just ignore everyone and do your thing, and one day you might find yourself writing the script for Transformers 7, where the Transformers have flux capacitors and are fighting against their arch nemesis Biff Tannen .

 

Dated references are also highly encouraged

 

For more advice on how to write really good, follow me on Twitter, or like me on Facebook!

Menage a Trois

So welcome to my third post. Before you get too excited this post will not contain any mention of the brilliant pop icon Nicki Minaj. It’s not even spelled the same, so I’m not sure why you would think that at all. You seem to be a little too obsessed with this Nicki character, the authorities have been alerted and you are now on a watch list. It is for your own safety, so you’re welcome.

 

Just so you don’t get all stabby, here is a picture of Nicki Minaj kissing a 10 year old girl.

 

So now that we’ve cleared up what this post is NOT about, I should probably get back on track before you get bored and start googling pictures of whales mating. Seriously, stay here, you don’t want to see.. dammit, just lost most of you. For the ones that stayed, I plan on giving you some tips on how to carry on more than one conversation at a time. This is important, life changing stuff here, you’re going to want to stick around for this!

 

How to Talk to More Than One Person At A Time

 

The thing I hate most about social situations is the people. I would love social situations if it was just me and a bottle of scotch, or me Nicki Minaj and a bottle of scotch, but it never is, never. Social situations by definition have lots of people, all trying to carry on conversations, and all trying to drink your tasty scotch. It’s annoying as shit.

 

Look, they’re smiling! They must be enjoying themselves, or they are high on bath salts. Umm… run

 

If you are anything like me, you show up to these functions late, intoxicated and shirtless. Showing up late limits the amount of time you need to spend actually talking to people. Showing up drunk makes the conversation seem more interesting than it actually is. And showing up shirtless is nice, because nobody usually bothers the shirtless guy at a party. But regardless of how much you try to avoid it, at some point you are going to get sucked into a conversation. If it is one on one, it should be easy to come up with a valid excuse why you need to end the conversation and go drink by yourself in a corner. The difficulty really comes when you get sucked into a group conversation.

 

The worst is always the “Hey Ted, come over here and tell Jerry about that time a dog bit off your penis” requests. Usually at that point only an act of God, or a self inflicted stab wound will get you out of it. So all of a sudden you are having to recite a story to anyone within earshot. If it was just Jerry, no big deal, but as soon as people hear that someone is telling a story they stop what they are doing (because what they were doing was mind numbingly boring) and they start to listen to you.

 

Unless the party has a talking baby and / or Kirstie Alley, it is probably REALLY boring

 

Anyway, no problem, you can just quickly tell your story and then get out of there right?? Wrong! When you are done your story you are all of a sudden surrounded by people that stopped their previous conversations and now that you have entertained them, they are going to want to talk to you. The worst thing about telling a story is that people have to be quiet. Normal people don’t like being quiet. They spend most of your story time waiting for a small bit of silence so they can spew out some fascinating tidbit before they forget it, so they really didn’t hear anything you said. They were just smiling and nodding while giving themselves internal reminders to bring up the factoid about how many Americans own lawnmowers, because people need attention to live. Without attention they shrivel up and become directors. Just ask Fred Savage.

 

That dog won’t even sniff his crotch anymore.

 

So now people are actually talking to you, likely several people. You somehow have to fake an interest in what they are saying, because just telling them “sod off you boring piece of shit” will actually make them MORE hungry for attention. So you nod, you smile, hopefully you drink quickly. If you are lucky this is a party where you have to go get your own drinks from the bar. If there is someone bringing drinks around, or you have a friend that is asking every 4 seconds if you need a drink, it completely ruins the most respected excuse in the books, the “oops, looks like I’m empty, I need to leave this interaction and go over there where the booze is” excuse. You have to watch everyone’s drinks closely because you don’t want to end up with someone else needing a drink as well and going with you. That just completely ruins the getaway. Oh yeah, that reminds me, NEVER stand / sit anywhere near the alcohol. It is going to be  high traffic territory, and if you are there already you can’t leave to go there. Going to get a drink is good, because there will be people around the bar, and it is plausible to think that maybe you got talking to someone else and that is why you aren’t rushing back to the conversation, instead of the actual truth that you locked yourself in the pantry and are eating some expired saltines.

 

Many people think “I have to pee” is a good out. But when you go to the washroom you are expected to come back, there shouldn’t be anyone to talk to in the washroom. So that only buys you a few minutes. It is not an escape plan. If you take more than the allotted time you will end up getting made fun of and possibly being accused of being a party pooper.

 

Pooping at parties is frowned upon.

 

Getting ridiculously drunk and hitting on your friend’s wives is another possible out, but it takes a certain swagger and self control that you probably don’t possess. I’m being nice by saying probably. I actually know you don’t possess it, but saying probably allowed for the possibility of doubt, it’s me trying to be a better person you see. So your only real option is booze, lots and lots of booze.

 

For those that don’t drink or are “on the wagon”, why are you at a party that is filled with booze, drugs and hookers anyway? Did you come by mistake? I am pretty sure you can just use the excuse that you have a “meeting” to get to and nobody will miss you. Drinking in front of a recovering alcoholic is like watching your sex tape with your parents. It just feels wrong, but everyone should probably at least try it once.

 

 

So now you are are armed with all you need to successfully tackle parties and other gatherings where alcohol is being served. For dry events I suggest not going. Cheers.

 

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Making Number 2

 

Thank you all for attending the behind the scenes peek into Making Number 2.  I must preface this with the fact that not all the opinions found here are the opinions of The Pink Pachyderm, many of them are likely the insane ramblings of an invisible goat. Damn goats, they just don’t understand society’s rules.

 

Yeah, I said that thing about your grandma, I’m a goat, it’s what I do,

 

So, I started my blog a few weeks ago now, excited like a dog at the sight of a can opener, or a butt hole.  I thought to myself, self you got this, you are going to type the shit out of your SHIT. Then I argued with myself a little about how ridiculous that sounded, and vowed never to repeat it to anyone ever. Well self, this is what you get, you had to go and get me blind drunk on the weekend and do those disgusting things to that ficus, so you really have no say in this anymore, you can just suck it.

 

It’s your fault this gets me a little hard!

 

Anyway, I found dozens of reasons to not write my second blog post. I actually ended up moving my blog from Wix to WordPress, because I like stats, I like to see who is stalking me, and Wix was just not meeting my sexual needs.  So I’m here now, I like it. And now that my second post is live I thought I should share my expertise on how to successfully write a second installment of anything.

 

How to Write a Successful Follow Up

 

1. Know who you are.

Blogs need an identity. You need to decide what you are writing about. If you are going to have followers, you need to connect to an audience. If this week you are writing about your favorite recipe, and next week you are sharing a picture your daughter drew of a flower, you are going to alienate the foodies and the people that like ridiculously bad art. Your audience needs to know what to expect or they will leave you like Beth Donaldson left me in 7th grade.

 

Yeah, you messed up Beth. Look at me now, I’m a successful blogger, practically famous. But you missed the boat. P.S please call me, I still love you.

 

2. Know your audience

Once you have figured out what you are writing about, you need to figure out who you are writing to. If your blog is to share pictures of your adorable children or giving advice on providing personal care to the elderly, you might want to avoid repeatedly dropping the F bomb. However if you have called your blog “My SHIT”, and are in the process of reminiscing about Beth Donaldson, you can say she f*cking tore your heart out and stomped on it all over the hopscotch court. That sort of thing would be expected.

 

Replacing the letters in swear words with asterisks makes them office friendly, and like WAY more classy.

 

3. Don’t Get Cocky

If it is only your second post, you don’t want to start pretending you are a literary gift to the world straight from God’s vagina. It is extremely ill advised to make the topic for your followup “how to write a successful followup”. You would have to just be ridiculously talented to pull that off, so seriously just don’t do it. Use your followup as an opportunity to strengthen your topic, to really let people know what they can expect if they come visit your blog.

 

4. Have Fun

Life is pretty much shit for 90 percent of people 94 percent of the time. No I don’t have a source, I just polled my employees and they all pretty much seem to hate themselves and their jobs, so you will just have to trust me that those figures are spot on accurate. People read for an escape, they really don’t want to hear a depressing tale about how you still have that Paula Abdul CD that Beth bought you and that you can’t sleep if it’s not under your pillow. That is just plain depressing, like really over the top depressing. So try to keep it light and fluffy. Throw some humor around, or if you aren’t funny at least show your boobs or something.

 

Okay, so I guess maybe these are sort of depressing too.

 

And lastly, never beg for attention. Asking people to “like you on facebook” or “follow you on twitter” just seems like a desperate cry for attention. You are better than that.

 

 

My First Blog

 

So yeah, I’m not a blogger. As a male-sapien, I don’t often like to share for the sake of sharing. As a writer though, I need an outlet for my words, a drain for my crazy. I’ve decided to finally start an official “blog”. I am going into this reluctantly and with very little clothing on, so we’ll just have to see what happens.

 

I have read a lot of blogs, they are all dribble (except for yours of course, yours is like super awesome). I typically come away from reading someone’s blog thinking why the hell did I just waste 5, 10 sometimes 20 minutes reading about some funny thing somebody’s cat / child / significant other did on the weekend. The truth is I really don’t care about that stuff, and as such blogs just seem pointless to me. I can already hear you asking, “isn’t it a little counter-productive to blog about how much blogs suck?”. I’m not going to answer that because I was mid sentence when you started thinking it, and that’s called interrupting .. it’s super rude.  I will however apologize now for using the word “super” WAY too much, it’s sorta my thing.

 

Ha Ha Ha … hilarious right? Ummm .. please kill me now

 

I don’t want this to be a normal blog, in fact, from here on out you won’t even hear me use the term blog. I hate the term, and I hate the connotations that are now attached to it. So this “thing” I’m doing will from here on out be referred to as a Semi Humorous Information Trove, or if you are one of those people that need to acronize everything, feel free to call this my SHIT.

The problem as I see it, is that the internet is like crack cocaine designed specifically for computer literate attention whores (referred to as CLAWs from now on). Don’t get me wrong, CLAWs are typically some of my favorite people, and I myself have had this label stapled to my thong laden ass from time to time. So I assure you, I am not using the term in a derogatory way. I’m simply saying that giving a stage to someone that craves attention rarely ends well, just look what happened to that poor Jim Carrey fellow.

 

Tragic. Just Tragic.

 

I do the Twitter thing, I’m on Facebook, and I’ve stuck my literary penis in a few other social media holes, but none so far have seemed like the right fit for me. The egotistical negative asshole inside me says SHITing isn’t going to be the right thing for me either. But at least I don’t have to limit myself here. I can just write, whatever the hell I want. I am not eye banging you with it on your “feeds”, if you like it you can come read more. If you don’t, you can choose not to visit.

 

I just get all stabby when people that don’t know me read something I’ve written and are super offended, forming some ridiculous vow of hatred toward my face, and proceed to tell me how awful I am. I try to warn people up front, I swear, I make fun of everything I see, I march up to the line, dick in hand and piss on whatever I think deserves it. If I’m not offending someone in every post, I’m just not pushing hard enough. So if you like your safety box, and can’t laugh at the humor in everything around you, please close your browser window and go read about how Sally’s cat got toilet paper all over the bathroom floor again. For everyone else, prepare to get SHIT on!

 

I’m sorry Sally, but your blog is just plain awful.